I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Covid like
taking June’s advice to heart
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it