Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
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Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG