This might be me.
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writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
She puts the hot in psychotic
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging