me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
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If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
twitter users today:
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Camping tip: No.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.