You Might Also Like
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.