If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
You Might Also Like
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead