asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
this is the best day of my life
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home