I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
i really liked this one