I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.