Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
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I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.