UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
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when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.