How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Oh thanks BBC.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster