Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
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ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.