Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Human are so complicated
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)