Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
why no one uses midhusbands
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.