For those that worship cheese..
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“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
The real reason evolution started..😂
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.