Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
You Might Also Like
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Sharon, call the vet
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Sniffing the broccoli
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life