The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
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[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I saw nothing
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Danger is very dangerous
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
The happy life.. 😊
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”