[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
You Might Also Like
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
If only
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Yup
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.