GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.