[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.