Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”