[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
You Might Also Like
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born