Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
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[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked