There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”