Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
You Might Also Like
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
🔦🌙👣
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”