me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records