A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My beach vacation Google searches
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”