ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
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I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.