Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
You Might Also Like
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
whatcha thinkin bout
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.