The symmetry is uncanny.
You Might Also Like
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee