(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.