My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
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*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.