I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
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[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Easy enough.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Taking phone security to the next level.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you