*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
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Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days