As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
You Might Also Like
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.