“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
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When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.