Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam