I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.