[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
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I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
somebody come look at this
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it