Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
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[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?