Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
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10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
For the ones in the back.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us