Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
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Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
a god among men
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen