Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?