Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
You Might Also Like
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Erm I’m gonna say no
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit