Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
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“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
There is no “we” in pizza
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.