I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
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[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.