The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
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Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*