Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
thank god
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.