Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
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this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.